Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
Shop deviantART for the
holidays and save BIG!
Click here! :holly:
[x]

deviantART

 


Thump- thump.
Thump-thump.

There are raging bodies everywhere.
           Slick.
           Squirming.
           Half-naked.
           Screaming
wailing
shrieking
        as the delicate veils rise
        and all is revealed
with a sheer beast, a titan, roaring into the spaces that keep all of us bitter-sweetly together
        making all seem perfect
        while stealing our sanity
                  but we all know that it’s taken for granted, anyways.
And we love it.
I stand
  gasping for just the smallest amount of breath
as the waves of beautifully
     heavy
     dark
and
      evil music
wash crushingly over me
         making every inch of skin
                      that is bare or covered
         quake violently
liquefying my soft insides.
I feel as if I have been bitten by a seductive spider
  preparing my soul
to be stolen from me.
There are aching bodies everywhere.
           Sweating profusely
their breaths vibrating in my chest
        rubbing against me
the heat from their friction is suffocating
      and making my uneasy head swim
Saliva
   sweat
   urine
   sex
fill the stale air
      casting shadows
                   on the legion of thirsty
and unfortunately frustrated
       just enough to tease them
              and cause their quick tongues to twitch behind their chapped lips
But there is something else
       lurking, lurking
       watching me silently
                       a predator
yet I cannot see it
But I can’t move.
       The bodies against me
exert so much force
         and pressure
                I am helpless
          and left obviously vulnerable
to be digested
     and die at the hands of something
            more powerful than me
There are dirty bodies everywhere.
Screaming
    wailing
     shrieking
completely unaware
            that it is come for
           coming for my terror
                         my frenzy
                         my flesh
and I can’t escape the fate it holds for me
The devilish melodies swallow
       the rambunctious bodies
they’re everywhere
stretching for as far as the unobstructed eye can see
                 and I can feel the presence of the executioner creeping
closer, closer
            and I realize that I cannot escape
despite my struggles to be free
            the more I lash out
                  fight
and
                  squirm against the antagonized bodies
the more they grind ferociously against my skin
     their heat stealing all of the water from my pores
insanely beating
               beating
                all that I am
they have no mercy for this small one
        who’s nemesis is creeping, creeping
        like an insect
forever close and uncomfortable
Thump-thump
Thump-thump

The music is wasting away from my ears
       and time is slowing down
the lights licking the raving bodies
       in shades of blue
            green
            purple
and
            red
are becoming more and more incandescent
      to my sensitive pupils
that dilated from the shock of knowing
       that eradication is upon me
the executioner is here
      he slithered through the spaces between the wired bodies  (they’re everywhere)
that the titan’s roar could not fill
       and
Thump.
Thump.

something important is fleeing from me
                 taking the most crucial pieces
fading, fading
and I can’t concentrate on anything
       except the hungry bodies
swirling around me
               like a cyclone
               and I realize I am terribly sick
swirling, swirling
Everything’s withering away from my conscience
                      verging with the lights
And
Thump.
my eyes roll loosely into the back of my weary head
       as my executioner wraps its deadly fingers around my tender neck
and I fall, limply, into the sea of the hungry bodies (Oh God they’re everywhere)
thump.
lost to the feeling
       of never living again.
Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:iconemotionally-executed:

Author's Comments

This is #84, "Out Cold".

I wrote this out of experience. In August I got to go to a Metallica/Tool concert. It was awesome, but there were so many people and so much body heat, I began to hallucinate. I had trouble hearing, the lights were getting brighter, and I thought something was trying to get me, but we were all so close together, I couldn't really move. And so I passed out from heat exhaustion.

My dad had to save me, or I would have been trampled to death. But I don't remember it. He told me after I came to. o.0

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconbaconlady:
This is a very powerful poem. One thing that you may want to change is how many times you say everywhere. Repetition is a poetic device but you don't want to get too much repitition or it takes away from the poem. One thing I would suggest is to stick with repeating lines instead of words. Like the "thump"s. I liked how you kept bringing that back every now and then. You may want to change some of the "bodies" to something else as well. I think it along with "everywhere" is a little over-used. Other then that, I loved it!

--
Help the dragons hatch!! Click view on each one to help them grow!!
[link]

I eat babies.
:iconemotionally-executed:
I repeated the bodies with different adjectives and such on purpose, mostly because the person is in a delusional state and the "bodies" are everywhere, making her/him claustrophobic and terrified. The repitition, although I understand how it would get redundant, it's needed or the sense of not being able to escape would be as strong, at least to me.
I use the word everywhere because in the poem, that's the only word that has the "oompf" to describe the person's situation. There literally bodies everywhere "as far as the unobstructed eye can see."
Everywhere as in, I can't escape them.

Haha, yeah, there we go.
I'm glad you like it, though. ^^
:iconcoldcontactkiss:
Repetition tends to become a crutch for poets without substance. It's empty and distracting--just like random enjambment.

:twocents:

--
"I love when you make the dictionary your bitch."
"You seduce the English language and use it for your own sordid ends."

[JDM] [JA]
:iconemotionally-executed:
I'm afraid that I have to disagree with you. Just because someone repeats doesn't mean they don't have substance or that they need a crutch; I don't believe that I am lacking substance, but hey, to each his own.
It depends on the message you are trying to get across.
:iconaj43837:
scary! :O

--
Dessert...
[link]

My novel - ch 1 [link]

"But why is the rum gone? If this was a dream there would be rum"
:iconcoldcontactkiss:
You've described the same scene more than seven (I lost count) times: Concert, people, [pleasurable] delirium. All right - Loquacious attempts don't "drive the point home;" repetition of this magnitude only reflects how poor your subject matter is.

However, regardless of content, random enjambment adds absolutely nothing. Were you trying to echo an oscillating/frenzied crowd? That's the only 'logical' explanation I can think of, but it didn't work.

If you can show me concrete depth, I'll give my respects.

--
"I love when you make the dictionary your bitch."
"You seduce the English language and use it for your own sordid ends."

[JDM] [JA]
:iconbaconlady:
OK ^^

--
Help the dragons hatch!! Click view on each one to help them grow!!
[link]

I eat babies.
:iconemotionally-executed:
I know that I messed up on this one, I've already established that. I was trying to similate a concert and a person panicking, but as you have already pointed out, and I already know, it didn't work; just because I messed up on a piece doesn't mean I'm incompetent and lack substance. I was talking about repetition in general, which I assumed you were talking about. There are many writers who repeat, if not in the lines, then in subject matter or theme. Does that mean they lack substance? I don't think so.

I'm not going to try and convince you to like this piece or my work; if you don't like it, then you don't like it. That's your choice and your opinion and even if I don't like it, I will respect it.
:iconemotionally-executed:
XD
I obviously fucked up on this one, though.

Details

November 23, 2006
4.7 KB

Statistics

46
2 [who?]
96 (0 today)
0 (0 today)

Site Map